February 12, 2020 — Dr Coleen Jones
Writing this book is a labour of love and has come together in order to bring a simple understanding to readers about the fundamentals of living more creatively and fully in this world despite the challenges that face each and every one of us. Therapy is one way of coming to know oneself and begin to live in a way which allows one's individuality to emerge and flow. We all know times when we have been in “flow”; when we surmount our surroundings, blend in with what is around us and allow things to happen in such a way that we emerge and become one with who and what is in our immediate environment … unself-conscious, simply engaged in the pleasure of an activity … in flow … simple Joy!
We seem to need to lose ourselves in order to begin finding ourselves, this takes time and interfaces with a longing to get things “fixed” quickly. The words “things” and “fixed” indicate a mechanistic mindset, which reifies (rei = things, Latin) our emotions and experiences, as if we are a machine to be repaired in order to function better. We know what it is like to get bogged down, when things simply don't go “with the flow”, when our plans get blocked in a way that is frustrating, when we feel generally out of sorts and unable to optimise and grasp opportunities.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
— Marianne Williamson, quoted by Nelson Mandela at his inauguration, 1994
“Chaos theory grounds us in the inevitable turmoil, discontinuities and limited predictability of ordinary life. Complexity theory reveals how development, new order and creative change self-organise; spontaneously emerging at the edge of chaos … these sciences model the deep and mysterious interpenetration between self, the world and others.”
— Terry Marks-Tarlow
Hesiod, an ancient Greek, wrote Theogony, his story about creation and the panoply of ancient Greek gods, which starts with the words “In the beginning there was chaos”. When we are beset by chaos in our lives it feels insurmountable and overwhelming, as if we can’t survive the forces and gales battering and storming our lives. It seems hard to believe at the time that anything might emerge out of the chaos. “Is it possible that something could emerge from the confusion and entanglements?” we might ask ourselves.
Our usual day-to-day thinking is characterised by a process of linear logic, which runs in straight lines, one step following on the next, rather than by a process which is non-linear, discontinuous and circular at times. Often what emerges from the chaos is beyond comprehension, not what we would have imagined and sometimes better than what we had hoped for if we had applied linear logic.
By way of an analogy, Terry Marks-Tarlow describes how a horse changes its gait from a trot to a canter and says that in between the two rhythms the horse’s hooves are chaotic, they are all over the place and seemingly erratic, there is no specific position for each hoof yet they find their way into a new rhythm, position and pace. The horse then settles into the new gait and proceeds on its way.
If we relax and trust the process, when faced with turmoil and uncertainty in our lives, and stay the distance, despite the discomfort and discombobulating effects, we are able to discover new ways of being and find productive insights and values which emerge out of the mists of chaos.
Michael came to therapy in order to “find himself”. He was a mature student who studied psychology and discovered mindfulness as a way to understand his traumatic childhood and the patterns it had created in his adult life. Through therapy he was able to explore these patterns, develop self-awareness, and begin to make changes that allowed him to live more fully and authentically.
“How simple and frugal a thing is happiness: a glass of wine, a roast chestnut, a wretched little brazier, the sound of the sea … All that is required to feel that here and now is a simple, frugal heart.”
— Nikos Kazantzakis
Over the centuries so much has been written and uttered about the concept of Happiness. There is a constant search to find true happiness and apprehend this elusive experience. We certainly all know the experience of unhappiness. But the search continues for this elusive thing called “happiness” which is a noun in the English language. We realise that when we regard “happiness” as a noun it becomes an object, a thing to be pursued, to be found and acquired. So much of what happens in the world around us is driven by an acquisitive motive; a motive which aims to get hold of, sometimes steal and possess objects, sometimes even persons, in a grasping, suffocating way. In relation to happiness it is worth asking ourselves whether anyone in this world has found or currently possesses the secret of true “happiness”; perhaps a guru, a particular religious following or maybe a holy wo/man. When we consider the turmoil experienced by the super-rich and by celebrities and royalty around the world we can conclude that money does not buy happiness and contentment. Perhaps “happiness” is to be found and released from a mystical cave by means of a secret key, as would be suggested by so many myths and fairy tales? The word happiness is taken from the word hap from Middle English with roots in Old Norse and suggests a chance occurrence or luck. And so people throughout the world devote themselves to this search for happiness. So far no one has produced a recipe which ensures true happiness.
We begin to get closer to an understanding of what is happening in our lives when we consider “happiness” in the form of the present continuous form of the verb; happiness arising in the process of becoming. If we think of “happiness” as a verb it helps us think about actions that facilitate “happenings”. What actions relate to and produce pleasant experiences? What actions bring ease and joy? Only things (or something) can be retained and analysed. Can we in fact hold on to “happiness”? Perhaps if we begin to gather some of the common behaviours that contribute to what we know, in a felt sense, as “happy” experiences we might begin to make headway. “Happiness” appears to arise from a selection of actions; actions which need to be reviewed and repeated in the continuous form of the verb. We might ask ourselves what is happening right now, what am I doing or what was I doing that produced such a pleasant experience? These “feel good” sensations are experienced at a visceral level and produce a concomitant elevation of mood. When we feel happy, we feel more energetic, less beset by dark and gloomy thoughts, less aware of physical discomfort and usually more willing to engage socially with others, generally a “glass half full” rather than “glass half empty” feeling. Our basic thoughts are more positive, our inner self-talk more encouraging at these times, our body more comfortable and our affects lightly coupled with an increase in creative thinking. But we need to focus on, assemble and repeat behaviours that sustain these feelings. Behaviours (practices) recommended by spiritual teachers, wise elders and philosophers are a good place to start. Again and again the continuous form of the verb appears namely, cultivating, thinking, investigating, collecting, assembling, practising, understanding and getting to know ourselves and identifying actions that are supportive. If we focus on the words ending in “-ing” we start thinking, navigating and considering ways of becoming happier. It does mean that we need to stay alert, questioning and focussing on what we are about. This process requires patience and concentration as we begin to engage in a CONTINUOUS PROCESS of sifting and sorting out our thoughts and actions in order to encourage behaviours that bring one hap after another resulting in an happening and ultimately in the experience of happiness.
Sean had the job, the wife, two healthy boys and a lovely home. He lived in the illusion of permanency, the belief that things would stay the same with little effort. But the slide into taking things easy, taking his eye off the ball and losing sight of what was truly precious and valuable in his life proceeded with shocking results. When two policemen arrived at his door he was arrested on spurious charges of assault, charges made by his wife in order to get him out of the home and facilitate a quick divorce. The bottom had fallen out of his world. He immediately had to dig deep within to sustain himself through the ordeal and the subsequent court case. It seemed as if his world had unravelled. He came into therapy to make sense of what was happening and to examine how he could begin to assemble and rebuild his life in the hope of experiencing happiness again. With support he managed to hold the slide into horror and near madness from the grief of losing daily contact with his boys. It meant changes to his lifestyle. He needed to keep an eye on his thinking, cultivating thoughts that would facilitate and bring ease into his body and his day. Therapy brought awareness to the micro-moments and the micro-processing which required him to stay attentive to his body and his instincts. Sean began to notice and carefully select experiences and behaviours that enhanced his moods, behaviours that soothed and assuaged his wounded soul. He learned to stay present to himself and to be attentive in a patient, caring, and compassionate way. This meant not calling himself “stupid”, not suffering massive hangovers, not berating himself for mistakes. Essentially being free of “shame”.
Gradually he felt the benefits of being conscious of himself, Sean, thinking his way through the day, encouraging himself when events challenged … and little by little finding behaviours that brought ease to his body and soul and ultimately happiness in his newfound way of being and behaving.